she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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