I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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