there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
