I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
