I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How naked do you want me to be?
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