He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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