My hand turned me down
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
