I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
