Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
