I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
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i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
BRING THE BAGELS
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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