I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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