i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
