I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
