I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
