apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
