What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Please, let me fuck your mom
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
