Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
