For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
