I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
