apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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