i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
