hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
