My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
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They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
True strength comes from lack of pants
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
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