Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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