Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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