I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
