In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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