Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
