just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize