I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
