John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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