im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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