Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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