oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
