If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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