sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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