before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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