Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
