I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
