I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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