I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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