Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
