I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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