Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
