Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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