i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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