Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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