As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
