party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
