this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
honey bunches of taint.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
