the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
