Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
