I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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