I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
