nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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