Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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