I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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