I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
