can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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